Soft to Callous Skin...Numb, Cold, Hard, Tough

I am not pretty sure why am I like this way. When you care to people so much and after all your effort have been wasted, you end up being hurt. Eventually you learn to gurad yourself from the pain. You see, it' like a soft skin turning into callous; if you repeatedly rub your soft skin, it feels pain over and over, but at the same time it is calling for re-inforcement. Later on, upon continuous rubbing, it grows harder, a callous, so that when you use it the next time it does not feel pain anymore.

Many times, so many times, I just want to be number and colder and harder and tougher than what I am right now; BTW I already am since time immemorial. You'll grow numb if you're continuously feeling or experiencing that same thing over and over again; if you do, you'll be cold and you won't realize you are already until someone tells you; then you'll be harder on them, not knowing you're already hurting them since you are numb and cold already; eventually, they'll think your tough. But I also am thinking, what will I become if I grew this way, or how many people will be hurt around me. My close friends, who really know me, see me, as cold-aloof-snob-hard-to-approach guy already to those I don't really know. Come on! What an iceburg will I be if I continue being this way. I am thinking why am I like this; perhaps I dont want to be hurt anymore that is why I'm guarding myself; perhaps I'm annoyed; perhaps it gives me liberty to do anything I want without caring what anyone will say; perhaps there is an image I am sculpting for myself I will be using in the future, perhaps...

But one thing is for sure, I dont like to be this way to the people I love and care about.