A fight that could have ended us..

It's a very stressful week. As you can see, it has been a week ago since I last posted a blog.

Bonn and I had a fight last week. We were on our way home when I started to talk things over, issues regarding our relationship. I have not felt that he wants to spend time with me, much less that he misses me. When we're together he's texting, or doing multiply, or editing pics. We seldom have our moment together not to speak the time we spend together. Maybe I am expecting too much? Or maybe I am giving more time to him than I should? Maybe...I don't know. But what I do know is that when I love someone, I love him with all that I could give, and even more. So we have had a long discussion about this. It was past 2 in the am and we're still arguing, trying to resolve the problem. He told me he's tired and couldn't understand me, what do I want. He's loving me and to the best that could give. He's tired because he can not meet the bar of love I am giving him. Then he told me, and reiterated, that his career is more important than I am to him. Of course it hurts hearing those words form the person you love. I literally said "ouch." I don't know what to feel or what not to feel, until now. He once told me that he loves me because I love him. That gives more effort on my part; wanting to maintain the relationship alive, and his love for me, I feel the pressure to do more and show more effort...because the moment I lay-low, I'm afraid he'll lose interest and eventually fall-out. I cleared all these, and more, to him that wee-hour. We had found ways and resolved things. Things are ok now between Bonn and I. Now, I am resolving issues on myself; internal issues. I am struggling internally. I am shwoing a happy face, portraying that everything is ok, but inside there is a battle; a battle between emotion and reason. This battle weakens me so much. I just wish someone could help me. It drains me of my energy to do lots of things; teach, study, friends, family. I just want time to stop until I get things figured-out and set those right. But despite all these, evrything must go on and continue. It's tiring to be lonely and alone everynight I come home; I just want someone, who is most especial to me, to be there or at least ask how I am doing if he can't be there, do I feel ok, is anything ok at all. But it is not that way. He is inexpressive, passive and told me he's not sweet; I have accepted that.... that is why right now, I am learning to let go of this part of me; I don't want to be needy of affection anymore because it is just hurting me. Who knows things might be different, "better" different, someday between the two of us. I love him and he loves me; it's all that matters anyway.